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Top Ten Worst Tools to Have For The Zombie Apocalypse

October 28, 2013

Do Be Ninja quiet, and don’t call attention to yourself. As the evolution of Survival sometimes requires you to think in new ways, what once seemed like a great idea can suddenly be a very, very bad idea when dealing with the re-animated corpses of lost love ones and neighbors. Here is our compilation of the very worst tools to use in a zombie apocalypse.

Part 1

10. CEP 5309 10 foot 1000 watt Metal Halilide. I know what your thinking, a 1000 Watt, 10 foot light, would be great for gathering around the refugee campfire to wipe away tears and sing Kumbiyah… that is until you realize you should have just covered yourself in barbeque sauce and drafted your will. Next time try something a little more subtle like a lighter.

Jackson Safety 3007770 Stop/Slow Paddle

9. At first glance, trying to maintain some semblance of structure and order might seem like time well spent that is until your realizes that zombies never stop and only have two speeds, slow and frantically slow… That being said the only benefit you’ll find from the Jackson Safety 3007591 Stop/Slow Paddle is as blunt instrument to bludgeon the idiot who brought it back to camp from his last “run”.


 8. Falcon MSN SIGNAL HORN. There’s bad ideas, and then there’s really bad ideas that emit an ear shattering 120 decibel dinner bell. In a world where mimes are considered to be a species that has a superior set of genetically advanced survival skills, my advice is to ditch the fog horn and pick up sign language.

7. Makita BMR100WZ 18V LXT Li-Ion Cordless FM/AM Jobsite Radio. Although this radio is pretty awesome with an MP3 connection that is compatible for iPod or MP3 players, and a compact design that delivers rich stereo sound from two powerful 3.25″ side-firing drivers, you may just find that investing in other hobbies that celebrate the expressive arts, is a much more self serving endeavor that offers the added benefit of producing a lot less anxiety… That being said I’ve always found music appreciation to be highly overrated, instead try finger painting or flash free photography.

Aervoe 1185 Road Flare

6. For example nothing screams “here I am” and “dinners served” more than the “almost indestructible” Aervoe 1185 LED Road Flare… Just imagine, there you are trapped in some broken down bus hiding from 100 hungry “walkers” when suddenly your companion panics, firing up one of these Aervoe flares that instantly producing an eye catching red ambient glow that instantly signals your location and foretells your imminent doom. While you furiously scramble to try and figure out how to smash this “flare with shock resistant construction, which can even be run over by a truck and still operate”… consider instead just grabbing your idiot friend and saying thanks a lot “moron”,  before pushing him out in front of the hungry mob that’s closing in, and hoping you’ve bought yourself enough time to locate that back exit.

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